Mr. Boring

Shortest date so far…one hour and I was squirming after five minutes. Mr. Boring and I chatted online quite a bit before meeting up. I knew something was up when I gave him a ring to coordinate our arrivals before the date. He was hesitant in his speech and barely spoke ten words. When he walked in, he was definitely not as cute as he looked in his pictures and he sounded live a nervous fifteen-year-old even though he is a twenty-six year old medical student. I probably intimidated him, but he knew what he was getting himself into before the date. I put up honest pictures of myself and never act as though I’m timid. He was incredibly boring and shy. I kept the conversation going but I could only take so much. Did he really think we would be a good match? My thoughts kept going back to Mr. Cocky. I think I may be avoiding dates with other men for the time being.

Mr. Cocky, Date 2

I was excited to see Mr. Cocky again after flirt-texting for half a week. He called and we decided to go see a movie. He picked me up in a nice, clean car and we headed to the Georgetown theatre. The movie was hilarious and, once again, it felt easy to be with him. We were both hungry afterward and he said he knew of a new bistro in his hood so we drove up that way. Turns out it was closed. We were disappointed, but then he said, “Ok, we’re gonna make dinner. I want you to know that this is a big step for me, because I don’t normally have girls at my place.” I was slightly flattered.

We went to Whole Foods and grabbed some random stuff. I thought it was funny when he bought salmon, as Mr. Could-It-Be had just made me salmon a few nights before. His place was nice and well decorated. We spent the next hour or so cooking together and drinking wine, stopping every now and then to make out up against the kitchen wall. He made me one of the best meals I have had in quite some time; I was very impressed. It was toasted coconut- and pistachio-encrusted salmon served with a melon salsa over top Israeli couscous. Yum. After dinner, we popped open another bottle of wine and moved our party to the couch. We kept it PG-13 for the next 13 hours…yup, 13 hours. I wonder what it’s like to have a hard-on for that long. Mr. Cocky and I have incredible chemistry. He is just the right amount of aggressive. We decided not to take it past second base because we actually like each other. It was difficult. While I didn’t actually see it, I can tell you that I am certain Mr. Cocky is packin. I can’t wait to get to know him better.

Mr. Could-It-Be, Date 3

Mr. Could-It-Be is just too sweet…emphasis on the too. I feel a bit smothered. Plus, I am really not attracted to him; he’s just too skinny. He reminds me of a little kid. I decided to give it another shot though. He picked me up and brought me to his place so he could make me dinner. It was to be a French salmon dish. I was exhausted from a difficult work week. Juggling this many men is also exhausting. Lying about what I am doing that night to all these guys feels awful, but what else am I supposed to do? “I know you like me, and I would like you to spend more of your money on me, but I can’t tonight because I am going out with another dude.” That doesn’t sound like a great plan to me.

Mr. Could-It-Be was, of course, sweet all night. He informed me that he canceled his match.com account. I had no response. We made out for a while and then decided to go to bed. Our make out sessions are not very exciting. There’s no grabbing, no quickening of the pulse. I had to take his hand and put it on my boob, and then he didn’t seem to know what to do with it. I know he likes me and I like him as a person, as well, but there is just nothing there. I have to be attracted to my partner. While we cuddled as we fell asleep, I just kept thinking of how much I missed Mr. Never-Gonna-Happen. We haven’t really spoken in weeks and it hurts my heart. When is he going to stop creeping into my thoughts?

Mr. Cocky

I almost didn’t go out with Mr. Cocky. You see, he texted me on a Friday asking to take me out the next day, which I agreed to. But the next day, he didn’t call until after 8 pm. Nor did he leave a voicemail. Obviously I did not call back, as this is just plain rude. The next day, he called again and we spoke on the phone for about half an hour. He was funny but definitely sounded a little douchey. He was very good looking in his pictures, but I was worried based on his voice that he would not represent well in real life. I agreed to go out with him that Wednesday anyway.

We had plans to meet at a barbecue joint near my place. I was a few minutes early, so I sat on some nearby steps and waited. I couldn’t have been more pleased as I watched him stroll up. Over 6 feet tall, tan skin, and bright blue eyes all set on an athletic frame. Yup, that’s my type. The conversation was immediately easy, even if he was a little cocky. Turns out we have quite a bit in common. We decided to go to a bar for a drink after the bbq even though we were both on antibiotics and should not have been drinking. We walked into a local bar and as soon as I sat down, I recognized the bartender as a friend of my ex. At first, I tried to pretend like I didn’t know him, but he immediately called me out and said, “Aren’t you Theresa?” So we had an awkward little conversation and Mr. Cocky and I laughed about it privately. One drink turned into 2, then the bartender brought over shots, and then we reluctantly ordered another beer each. Let me tell ya, I paid for it the next day. When your doc tells you not to drink on your meds, you should listen.

Both of us decided it was time to go, and so Mr. Cocky asked if he could walk me home. He did and I invited him to sit on the porch swing with me. He put his arm across the back of the swing and after a few minutes I felt his fingertips on my shoulder. We talked and laughed, and he went in for the kiss. I did not resist. We made out for about half an hour and it was definitely fun. He told me that since I didn’t bore him (yup, that’s what he said) he would like to see me again. I said, “ditto.”

Mr. Aging Asshole Update

Mr. Aging Asshole is an obsessive crazy person. He has been calling and texting constantly requesting to see me. I told him I was embarrassed by my behavior on our date and that I would prefer not to start any relationship in that way. He is not taking no for an answer. He hit an all new low last night with some crazy rambling voicemail…he was actually still talking when the time limit on the voicemail was up. I will attempt to transcribe:

“What’s up? Oh my God! You are torture! Seriously, like, what is the deal? I think about our situation and I go alright, what happened with love at first sight? Whatever happened to that?? Ok so…you’re seriously stressing this way too hard. My God. Ok first of all how do two people get together? Ok, for it to be as bad as you’re making it out to be, would be like you go out and get hammered and just like get together and hook up with like the ugliest guy in town. You’re way thinking this like way too far. Okay? For real. Obviously we know you’re sexy, you’re smart, got a great future. We just got caught up. It’s not even a big deal. For us not to be talking right now, for as well as we got along…it makes no sense, absolutely none. The only thing I can think of…here’s what I’m thinkin…I’m thinkin like this girl’s an Aries, like me and like I know that like in my hay day that if I wanted to, could be a total player and just like have a blast and have so many options or whatever, but still it just doesn’t make any sense. I realize you’re like a little embarrassed, but like you’ve got to chill. Seriously. What we need is face time. Cuz if we hang out, and again, it s not like I’m expecting that you have to sleep with me or whatever. It’s not even like that. But you know, I’m starting to think I made a major mistake by sleeping with you. I couldn’t help myself, I mean think about it…if you were me, and you were like hangin out and getting along with you as well as we were getting along. What was I supposed to do? It’s not like you were passed out and I was taking advantage of you. You know what I’m saying? Anyways, a couple of my friends are going into Lima. I wish you would just get out of this mind f game that you are in. I don’t know what’s going on, but like, you know. Even if it came down to you and me being friends, I mean I don’t wanna be just friends, but if that’s the only option on the table, that’s still cool. I don’t know what’s going on, but like, you know. You’re definitely sexy, you’re cool. I just don’t get the not talkin and the not hangin out. Most girls, if they even slept with a guy, if they don’t hear from the guy it’s like…” That's the point at which the time for a voicemail ran up.

Yeah. Thank God this fool doesn’t know where I live.